Without Me.

“Tell me how’s it feel sittin’ up there, feeling so high but too far away to hold me. You know I’m the one who put you up there, name in the sky does it ever get lonely? Thinking you could live without me…” – Halsey

 

This is a letter to those who’ve hurt me, discouraged me, threw me away like a piece of trash. This is a message to those who’ve trampled on me repeatedly and made me feel like I was worthless.

This is a note to those who’ve taken advantage of my genuine soul, those who’ve ripped my heart to shreds and those who’ve kicked me while I was down. This is to you who’ve made me forget my greatness, who’ve watched me drown all while holding a life raft.

This goes out to those who’ve caused me pain and misery, who’ve brought me to my knees in tears. This is to those who’ve made me question who I am and all I have to offer.

This is for those who were disloyal, unfaithful and straight up assholes. The ones who couldn’t truly love if their lives depended on it. This is for those who’ve led me on and repeatedly gotten my hopes up.

All I have to say is … get used to life without me.

My kindness will no longer be taken for weakness. No longer will I ignore the red flags that I so often turn a blind eye to. There’s no more free passes or repeated chances to be given. You’ll have to learn to live without me.

From now on I will be strong. I’ll spread my wings and fly like the goddess that I am, and I’ll rise like a Phoenix from the ashes. I’ll doubt myself and my abilities no more. I’m never letting anyone make me feel bad about who and how I am ever again.

This I promise to you … you will miss me. You’ll miss my friendship, my love, my never ending supply of compassion. You’ll miss my forgiving heart and my ability to see past all the pain you caused me.

You’ll miss me bending over backwards to make you happy and the constant effort I put in to you. You’ll miss having someone you never had to worry about, someone who was loyal to a fault.

You’ll miss the comfort of having someone so dedicated to you by your side, someone who would’ve taken a bullet for you. You’ll begin to realize the grass isn’t always greener on the other side and that losing me didn’t fix the problems in your mind.

One day, you’ll realize that you destroyed and threw away the best thing you ever had, and you’ll finally see that you made the biggest mistake of your life. You’ll search and search, but you’ll never find the things I could offer you in someone else.

You’ll never find another me.

But when that day of realization comes, I won’t be there to wipe away your tears or even see your pain. I’ll be long gone, on to the next, living life to the fullest. I’ll be so wrapped up in my new life that I won’t have time to see (or care) how you’re doing without me.

I feel sorry for you. I feel so bad that you couldn’t appreciate what you had when you had it. I pity you because I know you’ll never be truly happy with yourself. You’ll forever be fighting the demons in your mind because instead of fixing them you run away.

Maybe one day you’ll realize that no one is perfect, that everyone struggles with something. Maybe you’ll see that life is better with someone in it and that you never had to face your problems all alone.

Maybe one day you’ll understand that life is a journey with twists and turns, ups and downs, but true love is worth fighting for. Maybe one day you’ll look in the mirror and see how you aren’t perfect either.

I hope one day you can understand that you placed unrealistic expectations on everyone else without holding yourself to that same standard. Maybe one day you’ll realize that you were selfish, conceited and narcissistic.

Maybe one day you’ll comprehend all of these things, but again I won’t be there. I’ll be long gone, on to bigger and better. I’ll be in the arms of someone who understands my worth and values me as a person.

I’ll be with someone who never makes me question their love or loyalty. I’ll be with someone who thinks I’m beautiful just the way I am, someone who treats me like a Queen. I’ll be with someone who never wants to live without me.

Deep down, I really wish you well. I’d be lying if I said I never cared or wanted anything but the best for you. I just hope that you find the life you always wanted … without me.

 

 

XOXO,

Someone You Could Live Without

 

 

It’s Not Me, It’s You.

“If your heart hurts a little after letting go of someone, that’s okay. It just means that your feelings were genuine. No one likes ends. And no one likes pain. But sometimes, we have to put things that were once good to an end after they turn toxic to our wellbeing. Not every new beginning is meant to last forever. And not every person who walks into your life is meant to stay.” – Najwa Zebian

 

Everything was going so perfect, so right, and then one day everything changed as fast as a flash of lightening. What in the hell happened? What did I do wrong?

All I ever did was try to be the best person I could be, to love without fear, to let go of every lie that my anxiety constantly told me. I tried to be better, I tried to finally let down my walls.

Yet, nothing was good enough, and the end result was once again the same.

Many of us have experienced this all too real feeling of heartbreak and disappointment. Unfortunately, it seems like most of us are forced to go through it more than once in life.

Anxiety will always try to tell us that the heartbreaks and struggles in our lives were our own fault. If only we’d been better, prettier, stronger, more … anything, then this wouldn’t have happened.

It sends us down into a rabbit hole of darkness and self-doubt (a very scary place to be). Once we’ve fallen, it’s nearly impossible to find our way back out.

We spend hours, days and weeks trying to figure out how things could’ve been different. We search for every possible clue that could point us to some sort of resolution and closure for the pain we’re enduring, though we never seem to find it.

Anxiety will always make us feel like the failure in the situation no matter what, even when we had absolutely nothing to do with the decisions that others made.

All of this, in turn, results in weeks and even months of questioning our worth, criticizing ourselves and hitting rock bottom. We can’t understand what happened, and we get angry when we realize we can’t fix it.

You can’t change someone’s mind when the decision had nothing to do with you.

So instead of simply letting go, moving on and doing the whole “I know my worth” thing, we harp on every single detail of the past. We over-analyze every memory until we’ve gotten ourselves back into that dark place.

I totally understand this relentless cycle because I’ve been there many times before. Yet, today I generated a new perspective of heartbreak and negative situations.

IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU.

This is my new mantra. Screw the stupid anxious thoughts in our heads that make us put the blame on ourselves. We did absolutely nothing wrong. The way others treat us is only a reflection of themselves, not us.

If something was meant to be, it would work out without question or doubt. I don’t know about you, but I have no more time for bullshit.

Words are now merely words, it’s all about actions.

I don’t want to hear, “You’re seriously amazing, I just need to figure things out” or “you are the best thing that’s happened to me it’s just not going to work” or whatever other cheesy movie lines can be thrown at me. Forget that BS.

If someone really means the world to you, you do everything and anything to keep them.

Anyone who tries to tell you that it’s just not the right time or maybe things will work out in the future, leave them behind because they are making excuses. They’re trying to let you down easy so that they won’t have to feel so bad about breaking your heart.

I’m here to tell you that each of you are warriors. We all face invisible battles every single day, and somehow we still show up. Each day we put one foot in front of the other and make it through.

We rarely receive sympathy or understanding from others because if the world can’t physically see it, it’s as if it doesn’t exist (aka Mental Health Disorders). If only people knew the inner struggle we battle every day.

But back to my point.

Ladies and gentleman, never let someone’s decision to turn their back on you or leave you behind define you. Don’t let it send you down that dark rabbit hole like it has in the past.

The older we get and the longer we deal with a mental health disorder, the stronger we become. Have faith in yourself. Love yourself as deeply as you love others. Look in the mirror and realize that you are a diamond.

You’ve been through tough things, and yet here you are still standing. If someone can’t see your worth and all that you bring to the table then let them go. If they’re willing to release you and risk losing you forever then tell them “goodbye.”

With anxiety, when we love we love hard. When we drop down our guards, it’s a huge deal to us. When we fall, we fall completely. This is both our greatest strength and our biggest weakness.

One day that person who left you behind will realize their mistake. They’ll see that they let go of someone who understands the struggle, someone who would’ve supported them no matter what.

They’ll look back with regret of losing someone with unwavering strength, loyalty and undying love. But by that time, it’ll be too late.

Once you’ve shown an Anxious Mind your true colors their trust is forever broken. Not saying it can’t be earned back, but boy is that a tall mountain to climb.

My dear Anxious Minds, please always remember your worth. When people let you down (and unfortunately they will) never forget that the darkness is only temporary.

The sun will shine again.

You will heal, you’ll become stronger and eventually you’ll find that one person who will never turn away. You’ll find the one who will love you unconditionally and never make you doubt yourself again.

This person will hold sacred every milestone that you reach together. They’ll do everything in their power to keep you, to be your safe place from the monsters in your head and to show you a life of love that you truly deserve.

Hang in there my friends, and remember it’s not you it’s them.

 

XOXO,

Myka Shantell đź’‹

The Day I Lost my Best Friend.

“We talk about them, because we’re proud. We talk about them, because they deserve to be remembered. We talk about them, because even though they are not physically with us, they are never far from our mind. We talk about them, because they are part of us, a part that we could never ignore or disown. We talk about them, because we love them still and always will. Forever. Nothing will change that.”- Scribbles & Crumbs

 

Eleven years ago today was the worst day of my life. July 25, 2005 my entire world changed. I endured something that no one, especially not a 14 year old, should ever have to go through. This was the terrible day my best friend passed away.

Jacob and I had known each other our entire lives. In Petrolia, TX (my small hometown) everyone knows everyone. You start Kindergarten with the same people that you graduate High School with, and you end up forming bonds that last a lifetime.

Jacob was always a stand out. If he wasn’t leading his various sports teams or playing music in the band, you could be sure to find him hanging out with his friends. He was such a shining star, always bringing happiness to everyone around him.

I have so many memories with him that I hold dear. I remember sharing headphones on bus rides to athletic games and him being my first “official” boyfriend in 3rd grade. I remember him asking me to homecoming and being terrified of my dad when he came by to give me my homecoming mum.

Honestly, you couldn’t help but love Jacob. He was good at every single thing he attempted from athletics to music and everything in between. Sure he could be a hellion from time to time, but he’d flash that sweet smile and your anger would melt away.

I regret not knowing how special our friendship was back then. I definitely took my time with him for granted. You never expect to lose a friend so suddenly at such a young age, but I wish I’d hugged him a little tighter and told him “I love you” a little more often.

My absolute favorite memory of Jacob was the last day we spent together. He’d come to my house with his guitar, and he was teaching me how to play. After a while we took a break, and he started to play and sing Broken Road by Rascall Flatts.

I looked over in amazement because Jacob NEVER sang in front of people. I hopped on my piano and started to play along with him. My mom was secretly watching out of the kitchen, surprised to hear him singing aloud.

We played music for a bit and then had one of our random talks about life before he left my house. Little did I know that was the last time I’d ever see my dear friend. The next day I got a phone call from him, and I honestly can’t remember what we talked about. Just knowing we spoke brings me comfort.

To this day I can’t hear Broken Road without thinking of him and bursting into tears. That single moment in time is one of my most cherished memories.

This day 11 years ago, I was sitting at home with my boyfriend (at the time). I remember the phone ringing and my mom seeming panicked. I couldn’t figure out what was going on, but I had a bad feeling in my gut.

She got off the phone and told me that a kid had been injured in Charlie, TX (a small town next to mine). She wasn’t sure about the details, but she said we’d know more in a moment. The phone rang again, and my stomach dropped when she told me it was Jacob.

I fell to the floor completely unable to move as tears started flowing from my eyes . I honestly couldn’t comprehend what had just happened. I eventually managed to crawl to the bathroom because I felt so sick to my stomach.

My mom and boyfriend were trying to console me. They frantically tried to figure out what they could do to help, but nothing could make me feel better. One of my best friends was gone.

The next few days were a total blur. I remember getting phone calls from friends asking if it was true. I could hardly utter the word “yes” to them. I was completely numb and pissed at God. How could He let this happen?

Jacob was such a wonderful person with a beautiful soul, and I couldn’t understand why God chose to take him from us. People told me time would help me heal, but honestly it still hurts just as much 11 years later.

Nothing can prepare you for a moment like this, and no one can say anything to make you feel better. The pain and devastation are so powerful that you really don’t know if you’ll survive.

Unfortunately, this moment in my life caused me to have issues with getting close to others…issues that I still struggle with.

As time has passed, I realize just how blessed I am to have had a friend like Jacob. He taught me so many things that I never really understood until my adult years. His passing was so tragic, but it taught me to cherish the people in my life.

As teenagers we felt invincible. We thought nothing could happen to us and that we were guaranteed this long life. I learned really quick just how wrong we were. No one is guaranteed tomorrow, the next hour, the next minute.

I found peace with Jacob’s passing as I began to realize how many people he touched. Every year on July 25th I’m able to read everyone’s memories of him. It fills my heart with joy to know he was so loved, and that he is still remembered after all this time.

My point in writing this is to write a tribute to my dear friend, and to remind everyone that nothing in life is promised. Take the time to hug your friends, say “I love you,” and thank God for everything you have.

I know I’m not the only one that has experienced loss, but I can say that no experience is the same. Everyone handles grief differently, and it’s taken me 11 years to somewhat accept what happened that day.

Every day I’m reminded of him in some way. Sometimes it’s a song that he used to listen to, somedays it’s a memory that pops in my mind, and somedays it’s simply looking through old pictures.

Jacob was one of my best friends. He meant more to me than I even realized, and I can’t wait for the day that I get to see him again. I have no doubt that he continues to watch over me and visit me in my dreams.

I know he is happy in Heaven, smiling down on all of us who miss him. While I continue to struggle with the fact that he’s not physically here, I find peace knowing he’s never left my side.

If you have important people in your life don’t take one moment for granted. Don’t be afraid to tell them how you feel because you might not get the chance. Nothing is worse than regret.

I’m so excited for my welcome home party Jacob will have for me one day in Heaven. I know he’ll be shining that irresistible smile and embrace me with open arms. Until that day, I’ll continue to live my life to the fullest for him.

Jacob, I love you my dear friend…always and forever. You’re forever in my heart, always on my mind. And as we all said when we lost him, “Live, Laugh, Love because tomorrow my never come…”

 

XOXO,
Myka Shantell 💋

 

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Say Goodbye and Let Go.

 

I’ve always been one to believe that when someone truly means something to you, you fight for them no matter what.

It’s irrelevant what they do, how they treat you, or what you go though… you put on your big girl pants and learn to forgive. I’ve never been one to give up on those I love, friendships or relationships.

I can take the pain and still forgive because I fight for those that are important to me. Sometimes I fight too hard. I have lost a few friends and loves throughout my life, but nothing compares to letting go of something you could’ve sworn was real.

Nothing compares to the hurt of realizing everything you believed and dreamed of was a lie. The particular situation I am going through has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever endured in my life, and I finally have no choice but to let go for good.

I’ve recently come to realize that there is a very fine line between fighting for something that is possible and fighting for something that will never happen.

Sometimes in life we become so caught up in the moment and our own fantasies that we forget the reality of the situation. Not everyone wants to work things out, not everyone wants what we want, not everyone cares as much as we do.

That is a really tough pill to swallow, I guess, because I am willing to go to extreme lengths for my beliefs and those I love. For some reason, my current situation has been more emotionally/mentally stressful than I even realized until now.

It’s also been damn near impossible for me to let go of… until now.

Yesterday I realized that I was the only one trying in my current circumstance. It seems like reality hit me out of nowhere. I just couldn’t figure out why I had been so blind for so long, I guess it was love.

I’ve realized that if something isn’t meant to be, then it will not be, no matter how badly we want it. I now feel angry with not only myself but also the counterpart in this story. Why have I given so much of my time and effort to someone who never reciprocated?

I’m pissed off that I let myself believe that it was real, now just years wasted like before. I’ve had false hope for something that was never even there.

As I was speaking to my therapist about this situation last week, she asked me what type of things I would say if I were to write a Goodbyeletter to this particular person. Honestly, I had to think long and hard because I still have so many raw emotions about it all.

Now that I’ve had time to think, I would say, “Thank you for showing me your true colors now, rather than later. I will always resent you for breaking my trust, and for allowing me to fall so blindly for someone who never had the same intentions or my best interest at heart.

I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for breaking my heart and trampling over it time and time again with no remorse. I will never understand your selfishness, and how you can so easily let go of something you supposedly care about.

I am done answering calls and texts when it is convenient for you to talk to me. I refuse to be your blanket of comfort when you go through troubled times in your life. You willingly let me go, and now I am forever letting go of you.

Most of all, I don’t think I can ever forgive you for hurting me so deeply and carelessly.”

Those were just a few things I could come up with (the actual letter is almost 10 pages long). What others fail to realize is that the anger one portrays when they are hurt is merely covering the intense pain that they are feeling deep down.

I’ve come to the conclusion that sometimes in life the best thing we can do for ourselves is finally say Goodbye to that which is hurting us so much.

Before, I believed that Goodbye somehow meant I had failed, and that letting go meant I was too weak to handle the situation. It made me feel as though I was incapable of fixing things.

I now realize that Goodbye is not defeat, especially if you are doing it to save your own sanity and happiness. Letting go is the only way to move forward and leave the past in the past.

It is one of the hardest things to do in life, but it is also one of the most freeing feelings. Goodbye is not simply a word we must physically say, it is also an action that we must do.

We must truly leave the person/situation behind because we are unable to fully move ahead with them lingering in the background.

I hope that if there is something or someone causing pain and heartache in your life, then you find the strength to say Goodbye, let go, and walk away.

I hope you find a way to cope, whether that means writing a goodbye letter, burning pictures or screaming into your pillow. I pray that you realize you are not defeated, you are strong. In most cases letting go is way harder than holding on, but it is a necessity.

Let go of all that keeps you from being your happiest most beautiful self, and everything else will fall into place with God’s timing.

XOXO,
Myka Shantellđź’‹