Without Me.

“Tell me how’s it feel sittin’ up there, feeling so high but too far away to hold me. You know I’m the one who put you up there, name in the sky does it ever get lonely? Thinking you could live without me…” – Halsey

 

This is a letter to those who’ve hurt me, discouraged me, threw me away like a piece of trash. This is a message to those who’ve trampled on me repeatedly and made me feel like I was worthless.

This is a note to those who’ve taken advantage of my genuine soul, those who’ve ripped my heart to shreds and those who’ve kicked me while I was down. This is to you who’ve made me forget my greatness, who’ve watched me drown all while holding a life raft.

This goes out to those who’ve caused me pain and misery, who’ve brought me to my knees in tears. This is to those who’ve made me question who I am and all I have to offer.

This is for those who were disloyal, unfaithful and straight up assholes. The ones who couldn’t truly love if their lives depended on it. This is for those who’ve led me on and repeatedly gotten my hopes up.

All I have to say is … get used to life without me.

My kindness will no longer be taken for weakness. No longer will I ignore the red flags that I so often turn a blind eye to. There’s no more free passes or repeated chances to be given. You’ll have to learn to live without me.

From now on I will be strong. I’ll spread my wings and fly like the goddess that I am, and I’ll rise like a Phoenix from the ashes. I’ll doubt myself and my abilities no more. I’m never letting anyone make me feel bad about who and how I am ever again.

This I promise to you … you will miss me. You’ll miss my friendship, my love, my never ending supply of compassion. You’ll miss my forgiving heart and my ability to see past all the pain you caused me.

You’ll miss me bending over backwards to make you happy and the constant effort I put in to you. You’ll miss having someone you never had to worry about, someone who was loyal to a fault.

You’ll miss the comfort of having someone so dedicated to you by your side, someone who would’ve taken a bullet for you. You’ll begin to realize the grass isn’t always greener on the other side and that losing me didn’t fix the problems in your mind.

One day, you’ll realize that you destroyed and threw away the best thing you ever had, and you’ll finally see that you made the biggest mistake of your life. You’ll search and search, but you’ll never find the things I could offer you in someone else.

You’ll never find another me.

But when that day of realization comes, I won’t be there to wipe away your tears or even see your pain. I’ll be long gone, on to the next, living life to the fullest. I’ll be so wrapped up in my new life that I won’t have time to see (or care) how you’re doing without me.

I feel sorry for you. I feel so bad that you couldn’t appreciate what you had when you had it. I pity you because I know you’ll never be truly happy with yourself. You’ll forever be fighting the demons in your mind because instead of fixing them you run away.

Maybe one day you’ll realize that no one is perfect, that everyone struggles with something. Maybe you’ll see that life is better with someone in it and that you never had to face your problems all alone.

Maybe one day you’ll understand that life is a journey with twists and turns, ups and downs, but true love is worth fighting for. Maybe one day you’ll look in the mirror and see how you aren’t perfect either.

I hope one day you can understand that you placed unrealistic expectations on everyone else without holding yourself to that same standard. Maybe one day you’ll realize that you were selfish, conceited and narcissistic.

Maybe one day you’ll comprehend all of these things, but again I won’t be there. I’ll be long gone, on to bigger and better. I’ll be in the arms of someone who understands my worth and values me as a person.

I’ll be with someone who never makes me question their love or loyalty. I’ll be with someone who thinks I’m beautiful just the way I am, someone who treats me like a Queen. I’ll be with someone who never wants to live without me.

Deep down, I really wish you well. I’d be lying if I said I never cared or wanted anything but the best for you. I just hope that you find the life you always wanted … without me.

 

 

XOXO,

Someone You Could Live Without

 

 

Lonely Girl.

“And in the end all I learned was how to be strong … alone.” – Anonymous

 

Lonely girl, alone she stands
Searching for her place
Looking, looking far and wide
Then drifting into space
The love, the joy she once had craved
Was no where to be found
In her quest she disappeared
A shadow on the ground.
Lonely girl, she numbed herself
To all the pain she felt
No need to run, no need to fight
The cards that she was dealt
Her biggest fear had now come true
She sat there all alone
Abandoned, used and left behind
With no where to call home
No one to care, no one to call
No reason to hold on
The life she thought she once would have
Suddenly was gone.
Lonely girl, poor little thing
So easily replaced
No thinking twice or turning back
A memory erased
One by one the doubts crept in
And settled in her soul
Day by day she lost herself
It finally took its toll
And now she’s just a lonely girl
Unsure of what to do
Hoping maybe one day
Someone will break through.

 

XOXO,

Myka Shantell 💋

*Copyright 2019

It’s Not Me, It’s You.

“If your heart hurts a little after letting go of someone, that’s okay. It just means that your feelings were genuine. No one likes ends. And no one likes pain. But sometimes, we have to put things that were once good to an end after they turn toxic to our wellbeing. Not every new beginning is meant to last forever. And not every person who walks into your life is meant to stay.” – Najwa Zebian

 

Everything was going so perfect, so right, and then one day everything changed as fast as a flash of lightening. What in the hell happened? What did I do wrong?

All I ever did was try to be the best person I could be, to love without fear, to let go of every lie that my anxiety constantly told me. I tried to be better, I tried to finally let down my walls.

Yet, nothing was good enough, and the end result was once again the same.

Many of us have experienced this all too real feeling of heartbreak and disappointment. Unfortunately, it seems like most of us are forced to go through it more than once in life.

Anxiety will always try to tell us that the heartbreaks and struggles in our lives were our own fault. If only we’d been better, prettier, stronger, more … anything, then this wouldn’t have happened.

It sends us down into a rabbit hole of darkness and self-doubt (a very scary place to be). Once we’ve fallen, it’s nearly impossible to find our way back out.

We spend hours, days and weeks trying to figure out how things could’ve been different. We search for every possible clue that could point us to some sort of resolution and closure for the pain we’re enduring, though we never seem to find it.

Anxiety will always make us feel like the failure in the situation no matter what, even when we had absolutely nothing to do with the decisions that others made.

All of this, in turn, results in weeks and even months of questioning our worth, criticizing ourselves and hitting rock bottom. We can’t understand what happened, and we get angry when we realize we can’t fix it.

You can’t change someone’s mind when the decision had nothing to do with you.

So instead of simply letting go, moving on and doing the whole “I know my worth” thing, we harp on every single detail of the past. We over-analyze every memory until we’ve gotten ourselves back into that dark place.

I totally understand this relentless cycle because I’ve been there many times before. Yet, today I generated a new perspective of heartbreak and negative situations.

IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU.

This is my new mantra. Screw the stupid anxious thoughts in our heads that make us put the blame on ourselves. We did absolutely nothing wrong. The way others treat us is only a reflection of themselves, not us.

If something was meant to be, it would work out without question or doubt. I don’t know about you, but I have no more time for bullshit.

Words are now merely words, it’s all about actions.

I don’t want to hear, “You’re seriously amazing, I just need to figure things out” or “you are the best thing that’s happened to me it’s just not going to work” or whatever other cheesy movie lines can be thrown at me. Forget that BS.

If someone really means the world to you, you do everything and anything to keep them.

Anyone who tries to tell you that it’s just not the right time or maybe things will work out in the future, leave them behind because they are making excuses. They’re trying to let you down easy so that they won’t have to feel so bad about breaking your heart.

I’m here to tell you that each of you are warriors. We all face invisible battles every single day, and somehow we still show up. Each day we put one foot in front of the other and make it through.

We rarely receive sympathy or understanding from others because if the world can’t physically see it, it’s as if it doesn’t exist (aka Mental Health Disorders). If only people knew the inner struggle we battle every day.

But back to my point.

Ladies and gentleman, never let someone’s decision to turn their back on you or leave you behind define you. Don’t let it send you down that dark rabbit hole like it has in the past.

The older we get and the longer we deal with a mental health disorder, the stronger we become. Have faith in yourself. Love yourself as deeply as you love others. Look in the mirror and realize that you are a diamond.

You’ve been through tough things, and yet here you are still standing. If someone can’t see your worth and all that you bring to the table then let them go. If they’re willing to release you and risk losing you forever then tell them “goodbye.”

With anxiety, when we love we love hard. When we drop down our guards, it’s a huge deal to us. When we fall, we fall completely. This is both our greatest strength and our biggest weakness.

One day that person who left you behind will realize their mistake. They’ll see that they let go of someone who understands the struggle, someone who would’ve supported them no matter what.

They’ll look back with regret of losing someone with unwavering strength, loyalty and undying love. But by that time, it’ll be too late.

Once you’ve shown an Anxious Mind your true colors their trust is forever broken. Not saying it can’t be earned back, but boy is that a tall mountain to climb.

My dear Anxious Minds, please always remember your worth. When people let you down (and unfortunately they will) never forget that the darkness is only temporary.

The sun will shine again.

You will heal, you’ll become stronger and eventually you’ll find that one person who will never turn away. You’ll find the one who will love you unconditionally and never make you doubt yourself again.

This person will hold sacred every milestone that you reach together. They’ll do everything in their power to keep you, to be your safe place from the monsters in your head and to show you a life of love that you truly deserve.

Hang in there my friends, and remember it’s not you it’s them.

 

XOXO,

Myka Shantell đź’‹

There’s A Reason That She’s Bitter.

“I usually become a ghost to those who no longer deserve my time. I’ve never seen a point in explaining my absent to someone who failed to appreciate my presence. You don’t owe any explanations to those who hurt you.” – R.H. Sin

 

There’s a reason that she’s bitter, more than one to be exact. It’s the empty words and broken promises she’s always told.

She used to believe them, to believe that one could actually tell the truth. She used to trust others without a doubt, open arms and open heart, yet all she got was let downs.

She used to have hopes and dreams that for once someone would follow through on their word, but those words were merely spoken. Those dreams turned to nightmares full of broken hearts and tear stained pillows.

She repeatedly got knocked down by blatant lies and knives in her back. She’d finally find the strength to get back up, to heal the wounds, only to find another knife and another heartbreak.

If there’s one thing she began to realize it was that the world is a cold, emotionless, selfish place. It’s a place where treachery and hate enormously outweigh good and love. A place where no one is truly safe.

There’s a reason that she’s bitter. Despite the darkness and countless disappointments she kept on trying. She continued to put one foot in front of the other just to make it another day. That’s the thing about her, she’s a fighter ’til the end.

Yet, even fighters have their low points. Even warriors have moments of weakness, and man do people love to exploit one’s flaws. Humans are like vultures waiting to swarm on wounded prey.

There were so many times that she dropped her guard to show others her real self, only to be hurt once again. There were so many times that she went against her gut and let others in, only to be wounded once more.

Eventually, her circle got smaller, and the wall around her heart was so tall that none could pass through. That’s exactly the way she wanted it. After all the tears and heartaches, no one was allowed in.

Most people couldn’t handle the rejection. They couldn’t accept the fact that from now on they’d only get a piece of her, never realizing that it was their own disloyalty and betrayals that caused her bitterness.

After a short while, most decided she wasn’t worth fighting for and went on their way. They never questioned their actions and never even looked back. What they ultimately did was prove her point…the world is a cold place.

At first it really hurt. Being abandoned by people you once loved is no easy thing. There’s no quick way to brush off the pain that comes with being disposed of like a piece of trash, but there is a way to make sure it never happens again.

There’s a reason that she’s bitter. After being tossed to the side and left alone to pick up the pieces, she decided to become so strong that no one would ever treat her that way again. She decided from that moment on to become a savage.

As time went on, she grew a little more rigid. She stopped letting people walk all over her which lead to plenty of arguments and nights home alone. Her friends became so few that she could count them on one hand, and that’s the way she liked it.

If someone had a problem with the new her, she didn’t care. They could walk out the door, and she wouldn’t blink an eye. She was done crying over people who didn’t value her worth or treat her with respect.

Some couldn’t believe how frigid she’d become. Most people saw the friendly, outgoing, sweet girl on a daily basis, but if you double crossed her you were done…easy as that.

Even to this day people don’t seem to get it. To some a promise is nothing but words, commitment is merely an idea, loyalty is a quality that is near extinct, trust is 99.9% impossible to build and love is thrown around like it’s nothing.

Sure it may have been one broken promise, one unreturned phone call, one ignored text message, but to her it means the world. The small things are what truly matter in this life, the little things show how much you value her.

While these morals seem meaningless to our generation, they’re extremely vital to her. She places them above all and won’t settle for anyone who doesn’t feel the same. She’s settled for far to long, and she’s done with it.

So if you plan on coming into her life, take a moment to realize exactly what that entails. Be loyal, trustworthy, loving and true to your word or don’t even bother. She’s an expert at realizing intentions from the beginning, and no longer will she be fooled.

If you really want to know her, love her or be a part of her world…be honest. You’ll get all of these things and more in return, for those who are guarded are the most loyal. If you can break down their guard, the reward is exceptional.

There’s a reason that she’s bitter, more than one to be exact…

XOXO,

Myka Shantellđź’‹

The Unfortunate Ones.

“It’s time to distance yourself from the people who let you down, the inconsistent ones. it’s time to start loving yourself.” – Billy Chapata

 
I hate to tell you this, but you are the unfortunate ones. If you play any part in my life, I must apologize in advance. I apologize for the person you will be dealing with, the person who has changed so much over the last few years.

I apologize because you will no longer see the weak and innocent soul that once consumed this body, the girl who would do anything for anyone without a second thought.

Now, I’m not saying this generosity has been permanently removed from my DNA. I’m merely no longer naive to the ulterior motives that now seem to drive the human race. I no longer turn a blind eye to the harshness and cruelty in the world.

There was a point in my life where I would turn away from things that broke my soul…child abuse, animal torture, violence, broken hearts, etc. Yet, I discovered that those terrible things happen whether I like it or not.

Leaning to accept this uncomfortable fact allowed me to accept many things about myself as well. I learned to stop making excuses for people who hurt me time and time again. I learned to cut people out of my life that wanted to use me for what I had to offer.

Ultimately, I learned to accept the fact that the world is a cruel place filled with a human population that is overrun with sin, abuse, manipulation and negativity. I hated giving in to this reality, but as I looked back on my life I realized it too was full of unpleasant moments and memories.

Upon this realization I decided to make multiple changes in my life. I started cutting out those who had done me wrong (on numerous occasions). I started separating myself from things that didn’t bring me joy or positivity. I ran from people and things that caused me heartache.

Now, I am by no means a perfect person (I’m far from it to be honest), but I try to live a positive life by being the best person I can be. I pride myself on being a Nurse and Humanitarian, giving back to those who need it most. I try my hardest to make a positive impact in the world.

Yet, I’ve found too often that many people seem to only be looking out for themselves. Their selfish nature not only feeds their ego, but it causes them to hurt others emotionally, mentally and sometimes physically.

I’m grateful to have never experienced the latter, but mental and emotional trauma can sometimes be just as damaging.

Going back to the beginning, I must say “sorry” to everyone in my life. Unfortunately from now on you will have the realistic me, the one who doesn’t fantasize about fairytale happy endings and white picket fences.

You no longer have the girl who is willing to give and give and give with nothing in return, to be trampled on without saying a word. There is no longer a quiet soul who finds an excuse for every bad thing that happens in life. Screw that.

There will always be good and bad people in this world. There will always be heartbreak, cruelty, disappointments and sadness. I’m completely aware of this. However, in this day and age we are able to decide what kind of life we want to live.

We are in control of our own destinies, living in a world full of endless possibility. We have the freedom to move to a new city, start a new job, create our own company and include people who truly matter to us in our lives. We are no longer pinned down by our pasts or backgrounds.

In 2017, we are able to be whoever we want to be, to create a fulfilling life full of love and happiness. We are able to choose our friends, our spouse and ultimately our futures. Unfortunately, so many people will never take advantage of this fact.

I, however, will take full advantage of my choices from now on. I will be extremely selective about who is allowed in my inner circle. I will keep the thick walls up around my heart until I find the right one who is willing to patiently break them down.

I will look for people who have similar goals and aspirations, who long to make the world a better place. I will cut people out of my life without remorse if they continue to do me wrong. I’m not playing games anymore, and neither should you.

This world is full of people (7,500,000,000 to be exact) so why let a mere few take away your joy? Why let one pesky person bring you down? If someone doesn’t love you for who you are then let them go. If someone can’t understand or accept your anxiety or issues then say goodbye.

Gone are the days of compromising ourselves for those who don’t care and the times of giving ourselves to others who won’t do the same in return. We all deserve love, understanding, happiness and a fulfilling life so why let others hold us back from that?

So again, I say “sorry” to the unfortunate ones, the ones who have recently come into my life or those who have stuck by me since day one. My core values remain unchanged, but my mind has a whole new outlook.

There is heartache from the past, but the future seems so bright. I’ll no longer simply allow things to happen to me. I understand that we cannot predict the future, but I’ll now control the impact I allow those events to have in my life…and I hope you’ll do the same.

 

XOXO,
Myka Shantell 💋

How To Conquer the Loneliness.

“Until you get comfortable being alone, you’ll never know if you’re choosing someone out of love or loneliness.” – Mandy Hale

For many years, loneliness has been something I’ve struggled with. If I wasn’t with a group of friends or my significant other, I didn’t know what to do with myself. Loneliness is scary. It’s a fear that we conjure up in our minds, and frequently it holds us back from the fulfilling life we could have.

Most people find true loneliness after a breakup. We can’t wrap our minds around what happened while also trying to deal with our devastating emotions. We try to over analyze each detail of our defeat, asking ourself repeatedly “what went wrong?”

We cling to those memories of the good times, the days when everything was perfect. We think something is going to last forever, and then out of the blue our world comes crumbling around us.

For a few weeks (or months) we wallow in self-pity. We cry, curse and scream into our pillow just to find some relief. Despite the suffering we feel, there does come a point where we need to move on, and when that moment comes we panic.

We don’t know how to be alone, and honestly we don’t want to. The truth is no one wants to be alone. No matter what people tell you, everybody wants someone to love. They may be in denial, but they’ll realize it eventually.

Once the initial pain and heartbreak eases up, we realize that life must go on. Most times we just don’t know how to move past it.

For a long time I held on to something that was beyond over, but no matter how I tried I just couldn’t seem to let it go. All it was doing was causing me pain, but still I refused. One day I sat down and really analyzed why I was continuing to follow this destructive pattern.

That’s when I realized I was enduring this heartbreak  simply because I didn’t want to be alone. At that point I would’ve rather been miserable holding on to a mere memory than to be all alone. At the time it sounded pathetic, but after talking with a few people I realized it’s more common than I thought.

So in that moment, I made myself a promise to never go back to that dark place. I made a pledge that I would face my fear of loneliness, and learn to embrace it. The journey has been tough, and this is something I’ve had to work on every day. However, I’ve learned a few tricks along the way.

Embrace Loneliness:

The first thing we must do if we truly want to conquer this fear is to embrace the loneliness. I simply sat on my bed, closed my eyes and reflected on the fear. I delved deep into my soul to figure out what was holding me back, and after multiple sit downs I figured it out. After that I released it, and let me tell you it was the biggest relief I’ve ever felt.

Make New Friends:

I never realized this would be a tough one for me. I’d had friends my whole life, and I couldn’t figure out why a simple move to a new city made me feel so alone. After discussing this with my therapist, she enlightened me. All of my friends were from back home. I’d always made friends through school or sports, and now those things were out of my life. I didn’t know how to make new friends from scratch which was a big eye opener for me. So I took on the challenge of building brand new relationships.

Explore:

One of the great things about being in a brand new city and uncommitted is the opportunity to explore. Once I starting looking into things to do in my new environment, I realized there are so many new things to try. It’s so exciting to simply explore my community in all its glory. Plus, it’s so much fun!

Join a Group:

This one was extremely intimidating for me at first. I’d always been in groups or organizations where I knew at least one person so going to a new group for the first time was overwhelming. Even so, I put on my big girl pants, showed up to a meeting and lone behold I made new friends.

Take a Break from Social Media:

While social media is a great way to stay connected, it can also be extremely depressing. Yes, we’re happy for all of those people who are finding love, getting engaged/married and having children. Still, deep down it hurts to see people getting what you want in your life. It’s not selfish, it’s human nature. So one thing I’ve found very helpful is just taking a break from social media every once in a while. In that time, focus on the positive and what you want for your life. Your time will come.

Take Life a Day at a Time:

As someone with anxiety I can honestly say this feels damn near impossible for me, and you better believe it’s a daily struggle. I haven’t let my anxiety become an excuse though, and through meditation and prayer I’ve learned to live in the present moment. Life becomes so much more enjoyable when we can achieve this. It’s so easy to get overwhelmed when we think about everything we want to accomplish. Just take it a day at a time, and God’s plan will start to reveal itself.

Focus on Yourself:

Last but certainly not least, learn to focus on yourself. In society today putting ourselves first is frequently looked at as being selfish or egotistical (which baffles my mind). Why aren’t we allowed to focus on ourselves? This is our life. I mean sure you shouldn’t pull a Kanye West and become a narcissistic idiot, but it is okay to make yourself number one in your life. If you aren’t taking time to work on yourself, you won’t become the best you can possibly be. We have to love ourselves before we can love others.

 

Even with all of these lessons I’ve learned, I face a daily struggle. Unfortunately, we can’t just snap our fingers and overcome our fear of being alone. It’s something we continually have to work towards. There will be days that loneliness creeps in, and you give in. That is okay. Just let the fear pass, and get back on track. The moment we finally become comfortable with being alone, we find freedom.


XOXO
,
Myka Shantell 💋

You Can’t Win Them All.

“You’re the type of woman a man should never let go of, you’re the type of woman men regret losing. Nothing about you is ordinary. Choose someone who knows this…never settle for less than you are…” – R.H. Sin

One thing I’ve come to truly understand as an adult is “you can’t win them all.” I’m one of those people that continues to fight for what I want despite the obstacles. Seriously, nothing stands in my way.

However, as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized I can say something over and over again until I’m blue in the face, but some people just don’t get it. It doesn’t matter how many ways I try to explain something, they just don’t understand.

This struggle is a deeply frustrating one for me. Like why can’t I just make them understand?

Feelings seem to be one of the hardest things to get across to others. If I say “I love you” then I love you. If you hurt me, apologize and don’t do it again. If I tell you I need you to support me then be there for me. It’s pretty simple.

I feel like these are really easy concepts to grasp, especially because I’m a point-blank kind of person. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years it’s to be brutally honest. People aren’t mind readers, especially guys, so if you want or need something just come out and say it.

For most of my life I’ve known what I wanted for my future. I’ve always known a general direction of where I wanted to go and where I wanted to end up. My ultimate dream consists of success, love, family and happiness.

I feel like these dreams are pretty straightforward, but achieving them has been one of the hardest things in my life. It doesn’t matter how many times I look for love, get a good job or strive for happiness…as soon as I get one another slips out of reach.

Life is a balancing game, and Lord knows I’m a klutz. I guess I just haven’t quite mastered the art of balance yet.

Despite the fact that we can’t win them all, I have a feeling that it’s our job as humans to continue trying. We should strive to be open and honest. We should work toward being clear and blunt about what we want from others.

Beating around the bush and hoping someone gets the hint does nothing but cause us pain. When we feel misunderstood or unheard, it can cause a lot of problems in our relationships and friendships.

By being direct about what we want, we leave little to chance. Now, how someone responds to those wants and needs is a whole other story.

I’ve learned that being direct doesn’t always get us what we want. Sometimes it leaves us more confused and upset than we were in the first place. When we’re honest with others and those feelings aren’t reciprocated, it can really hurt.

I actually went through a situation like this in the last year.

The past year has been an enormous transformation for me. It’s completely challenged my thoughts, beliefs, dreams and everything I thought I knew about myself. There’s been a lot of uncertainty to say the least, but one thing I’ve always been certain of is love.

I’m a very compassionate, caring person. To me “I love you” isn’t only reserved for a significant other. I have friends and family that I love as well, and I’m not afraid to tell them that. I feel like love is something that should be shared and integrated into every part of life in some way.

So, this year I had someone that was very in and out of my life. I gave things way too many chances and usually ended up being the one that got hurt. Yet, for some reason I kept fighting. I told you I was stubborn.

After all of the back and forth I finally told them that we had to come up with a plan, or we had to let it go. I couldn’t deal with the uncertainty anymore. I don’t know how many times  I tried to explain what I wanted, but every attempt was misunderstood. They never got it.

It was really heartbreaking to realize that just because we’re certain about what we want, it doesn’t always work the way we hope. Even laying it out directly for someone doesn’t guarantee results. You just can’t win them all.

So the moral that I’ve taken away from my experience is to continue being open and honest about what I want in life. Just because it didn’t work out for me now doesn’t mean it won’t work out in the future.

There were times that I wanted to shut down and give up. There were moments that I felt like no one would get it, but there is someone out there that will understand. There’s someone who will comprehend what you want from them, and they’ll be able to give you what you need.

That will be the person you’ve always wanted in your life. That moment will make all you’re losses worth while. In the end you’ll be so happy that you continued to pursue your dreams and lived life with an honest heart.

Don’t let one little defeat keep you from all of the wonderful things that are in store. Ultimately, you can’t win them all.

XOXO,
Myka Shantellđź’‹

Surround Yourself With Love. 

“Surround yourself with the dreams and the doers, the believers and the thinkers, but most of all, surround yourself with those who see the greatness within you, even when you don’t see it yourself.” – Edmund Lee

I realized today that I’ve been single for an entire year, 365 days of only me. If you know me you know this is a huge deal because the last 10 years of my life have been consumed with non-stop long term relationships.

To be honest, I look back on this last year and realize how truly life changing it’s been. This has been the most hectic, lonely, vulnerable, exciting, challenging, heartbreaking, breathtaking phase of my life.

I started the year by leaving a toxic 2 year relationship, packing my bags, and moving to a brand new city. I transported my life to a place where I knew no one and started a new job at a prestigious hospital. I left the security of my family, friends, and a town that had been my home for 25 years. Looking back now, what the hell was I thinking?

To this day I still don’t understand where I got the guts to take this huge leap of faith. As I’ve told my new friends my story, they all seem to have one common response. They each tell me how brave I am. I never really understood why they said that, until now.

I’m really proud of myself for taking a chance on a new start, a new life. It does take a lot of courage to leave everything you’ve ever known for an unknown future. When I first moved here, I kept wondering if I’d made a mistake. I constantly worried that I’d ruined my life, and for a while I let my fear get the best of me.

It’s taken me almost the entire year to finally start finding true happiness in my current life. A few years ago I had a crystal clear dream of what I wanted for my future. I wanted to be married, buy a house, have a baby, and travel.

Sometimes I catch myself grieving that alternative life I thought I’d be living, but recently I’ve began to notice signs of why my life hasn’t turned out that way. At least not yet.

There were many times over the last year that I felt so incredibly sad and lonely. I would curse and yell at God, blaming him for my despair. I had nights that I cried for hours just wishing someone was there to hold me. I know it sounds gloomy, but my emotions run very deep and sometimes dark.

It wasn’t until this “year” mark of being single that I realized there was a bigger purpose to my pain. God has been molding me into the best version of myself in preparation for all the wonderful things my future has to offer.

For so long I tried to fill a void in my life with romance thinking that loving someone else would bridge the gap. This past year I’ve learned to surround myself with positivity and fill that emptiness with self-love.

See, the thing about self-love is no one can ever take it away from you. No one can ruin the compassion you have for yourself. It’s a sacred and beautiful thing, but it also takes a lot of time and practice to master.

I truly believe I’m a good person. I know I have plenty of flaws, but I try to do the right thing and live each day to the fullest. In some weird way I thought being a good person automatically meant I’d end up with Prince Charming and live happily ever after. Yet, I’m learning that life is about so much more.

It’s about loving yourself and those around you. It’s about doing the right thing because you want to, not because you have to. Life is about helping others in need and adapting to your circumstances.

It’s about surrounding yourself with good genuine people who want to see you happy. It’s about chasing your dreams and waiting for the right person to come along. It’s about living.

It frustrates me to no end that in our society being 25 years old and single is like a death sentence. Yes, I am 25 years old. No, I’m not married. No, I don’t have kids. No, I don’t have a boyfriend. So what?

It’s time for our generation to wake up and realize we are unique. Stop trying to fit into a mold just because society says you should. Do the things you love to do, travel the world, follow your dreams. Surround yourself with good people, and you’ll be amazed at how much of a positive difference it makes in your life.

After a year of just me I now realize what’s really important. My new goals don’t depend on a ring or a man, they stem from a deep desire to do what’s best for me. My soul is finally free, and I’m ready to follow my dreams wherever they may take me.

If there are people in your life that are holding you back or not contributing to your happiness, delete them from your life. Wash away the negativity, and you’ll see the world in a whole new light. If you’re struggling with loneliness just take life a day at a time. There is someone for everyone. When it’s right you’ll know, and you’ll be so glad you waited.


XOXO
,
Myka Shantellđź’‹

I Finally Chose Me.

“Those who don’t jump will never fly.” – Leena Ahmad Almashat

My hands were sweating and my heart was frantically racing as I waited for my therapist’s call.

My soul had endured a tremendous struggle over the past few days, and I couldn’t do this on my own. It honestly felt like life or death, the old me versus a new me. I needed support, I needed help, I needed reassurance. This was the first time in my entire life I had made this decision, and my mind simply couldn’t process it alone.

After days of going back and forth about what I wanted for my future, I finally came to a decision… I finally chose me.

Throughout my whole transition, I’ve spoken about how I’ve let go and moved on with life. I honestly believed that until recently. A particular situation occurred that made me realize I hadn’t fully let go of the past.

Now, this doesn’t mean I haven’t made progress (because trust me, I’ve come a long way from where I started), but instead of completely freeing myself, I’d been letting go a little at a time. It was like I was releasing a rope one inch at a time, a little bit here and there. However, at this moment, there was no more rope to hold on to.

At first I was somewhat upset because my mind had tricked me into believing I had moved past it all. What the hell was wrong with me? Had my suffering and pain not proven how much I needed to move on? Then I remembered how stubborn I truly am, and it all made sense.

So, instead of being mad at myself, I decided to look into why I hadn’t just let go of the damn rope already.

Once my therapist called, we started discussing the particular situation I was dealing with and the extreme emotions my soul was trying to process. As we spoke, memories of the last 10 years of my life began to flash in my mind. As I watched, I began to see a pattern — there was always someone else in the picture.

As I began verbally expressing the emotions my memories were bringing up, the brightest light bulb came on in my head. I couldn’t let go because I’d never allowed myself to choose me over someone else.

The tears ran down my face as I began to realize that for 10 years I had constantly put others before myself. Never before had I truly thought about what I need or what I want. In my mind, putting myself first meant being selfish and uncaring, but looking back now, that was such a twisted perspective.

Sometimes we need to put ourselves first, we need to choose us so we can become stronger and healthier for our future partner. This choice has not been a decision based on anger, pride, or revenge. It was solely decided by listening to my heart, and for once actually doing what it needed.

As our conversation continued, I felt the biggest weight lifted off of my chest, a weight that I didn’t even know had been there. I found a completely new sense of strength, confidence, excitement and empowerment. Choosing myself felt damn good.

My inner warrior started peeking back out, and the forest I felt like I’d been walking through for the past few weeks turned into a beautiful clearing. Everything finally made sense. At last I saw the light.

There were still feelings of sadness present after this epiphany, because I knew I had to have a discussion with another who was part of this particular situation. I knew they weren’t going to like my decision. However, the empowerment I felt trumped all feelings of grief and sadness, and it really made the emotions bearable.

Before, I would’ve been completely overwhelmed by these negative feelings, but now my inner self reassured me that everything would be okay. For the first time in my life, I believed me.

I can finally say that I have fully let go of the past. I have completely released all my feelings of hurt, sadness and confusion. I honestly can’t even describe how this single moment of choosing myself felt. It’s something you just have to experience for yourself. However, I can tell you that it’s amazing.

My therapist described it perfectly. I was at a point in my life where I’d reached the edge of a cliff. I knew I would have to eventually jump and trust in myself. I’d been so scared of falling that I hadn’t even considered the alternative.

So I backed up, got a running head start, trusted myself, closed my eyes and jumped… and what would you know, I flew.

If there’s something in your life that’s keeping you from jumping, I pray that you let it go. If there is something holding you down, release it and choose yourself. Life is far too short to be unhappy and constantly putting others’ needs before your own. Listen to your heart, and tune in to your inner being.

Ultimately we have to do what is best for us, even when it’s tough. If you are at the edge of your cliff, don’t be afraid to jump. Fully trust your inner self and you won’t fall… you’ll fly.

 

XOXO,
Myka Shantellđź’‹

 

 

One Day, One Step, One Breath.

“I know you’re sad, so I won’t tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day. Stay alive. Feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes and don’t give up on yourself just yet. It’ll get better. Until then, have a day.” – Anonymous

So it’s been a while since I’ve written an entry, and to tell you the truth it’s because I have been going through what I like to call one of my “lost” stages. It seems like throughout my whole transition I’ve been riding a roller coaster of emotions and phases that range from fierce badass warrior to sad lost soul.

Just a few weeks ago I was ready to take on the world with a bold fierce attitude and a belief that nothing could tear me down…and then the darkness came back. It’s a bit of a let down that my intense brave warrior phases have only been temporary thus far, but I’ve started noticing that they are occurring more often. I’m starting to have more episodes of feeling powerful than I ever have before. Still, that doesn’t mean the darkness doesn’t like to creep in from time to time.

What has been really difficult for me to figure out is what brings on these sad gloomy episodes. I’m still working on pinpointing the triggers, but I also realize they’re just a part of life. No one lives 100% of their days on this Earth in total bliss and happiness (although that would be really nice). I’m coming to terms with the fact that these “down times” are going to happen, but instead of sulking and giving into the sadness I’m learning new ways of coping with them.

I don’t want to sound cliche, but I swear it seems like everyone I know is starting new relationships, getting engaged, and/or starting families. I absolutely love all of my friends, and seeing them in such a state of bliss sends me over the moon with happiness. However, the human side of me somewhat feels envious of all their happiness simply because I have not yet found it myself.

I’m honestly kind of sad because I feel like I’ve temporarily lost faith in true love. I know it’s out there for me, but after being hurt so many times my heart has definitely built up a wall. It’s a whole new experience for me. I’ve always been one to openly and freely give my love, it’s just the way my heart works. After my past few experiences, I can tell a huge difference in the way I view relationships. My heart is guarded 100%, and it’s a shell that won’t be easily broken.

One way I’ve started coping with my feelings during my “sad phase” is by reminding myself that all great things are worth waiting for, and I have NO DOUBT that a special someone and an amazing life await me. I just consistently have to remind myself to be patient…one day, one step, one breath at a time.

It’s amazing to me how much social media can truly impact our lives nowadays. I find that the days that I stay away from Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat are days filled with way more joy and much less worry. It keeps me away from those constant reminders of what I don’t yet have and focused on all my many blessings.

I find it very flattering that I often get asked how I “have my life together at such a young age.” I have a Bachelor’s Degree, an amazing job, my own house, money saved in the bank, a 401K, insurance, a band, my blog, and close family/friends. Trust me, all of these things DO NOT mean I have my life totally “together.” Does it mean I’ve worked really hard to become successful? Yes. However, it doesn’t make me any better than the next 25 year old. I still have plenty of faults that I’m working on…one day, one step, one breath at a time.

Recently, I’ve begun working through my issues by creating a vision board. A vision board is a physical board one makes with goals, dreams and aspirations for the year. Once the board is complete with pictures and words that sum up what you hope to accomplish in 2016, you place the board somewhere that you will see it daily. By looking at my vision board every day, my negative self-doubting feelings are removed and replaced with positivity and hopes for a wonderful year.

In addition to my vision board, I’ve also began reading inspirational books and using mantras to work through my sadness. My therapist had suggested a book titled “Be Free Where You Are” by a Buddhist named Thich Nhat Hanh. This book teaches different practices that help us stay in the present. These practices release us from being stuck in the past and the future, and they allow us to be completely happy in the now. For someone with anxiety who is constantly worrying about the future (like myself) this book was a lifesaver.

One of the most powerful things I received from reading “Be Free Where You Are” was a breathing exercise that Thich goes on to fully explain in the book (listed below). Now I realize this may not seem like something you’re comfortable with, but humor me and give it a try sometime. You will be amazing at how relaxed you become and how truly connected you feel to the present.

“Breathing in, I know I’m breathing in.
  Breathing out, I know I’m breathing out.
  Breathing in, I notice that my in-breath has become deeper
  Breathing out, I notice that my out-breath has become slower.
  Breathing in, I calm myself.
  Breathing out, I feel at ease.
  Breathing in, I smile.
  Breathing out, I release.
  Breathing in, I dwell in the present moment.
  Breathing out, I feel it is a wonderful moment.”

So while I’m still trying to find my way back to the light of my fierce feminine self, I will continue to practice patience and other methods to re-center my soul. I really want to encourage you to fight through any darkness, pain, and uncertainty you’re currently facing. Maybe you are having feelings of envy (like myself), or maybe you just simply feel lost. Either way please DO NOT give up hope. The clouds will fade and your spirit will become more powerful than you’ve ever imagined. God gives His hardest challenges to His toughest warriors. Just remember to hang in there…one day, one step, one breath at a time.

 

XOXO,
Myka Shantellđź’‹