“Let today be the day you finally release yourself from the imprisonment of past grudges and anger. Simplify your life. Let go of the poisonous past and live the abundantly beautiful present … today.” – Steve Maraboli
Over the past four years, I’ve built up some pretty steep walls around my heart. The last relationship I was in showed me that letting my guard down is dangerous. My heart and mind had to find a way to protect themselves, hence the insane amount of mistrust and second guessing I constantly feel.
You see, when someone with a Mental Health Disorder goes through heartbreak, it’s a totally different process. Now, I understand that heartache definitely hurts no matter who you are, but these heartbreaks are catastrophic to us Anxious Minds.
The moment you break the trust of someone with Anxiety you’ve doomed them from trusting anyone else for a really long time. It takes so much damn courage for us to place our hearts in your hands that when you break it, we hit rock bottom.
Honestly, I don’t even think I realized how much past heartbreaks affected me until I began a new relationship that brought up feelings I didn’t even know were there. All of the sudden self-doubt, distrust and feelings of impending disappointment began to flood my mind.
I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop because it seemed too damn good to be true (which in my mind meant that it was).
I started feeling these emotions that I thought were long dead and gone. After four years my hope for true happiness had began to seem more like an impossible fairytale, the kind we dream of as children.
Until one day, the day that everything changed.
I think the most terrifying emotion that emerged from this new found happiness was the thought that it could end just as gut-wrenching and traumatizing as the last one. My heart wanted to let him in, but my mind kept constantly reminding me of what happened the last time I let my guard down.
I knew that he deserved 100% of me because that’s only fair in a relationship, but I was so extremely hesitant to even consider giving him a glimpse inside the real me. What if I wasn’t good enough? What if he didn’t like what he saw?
Anxious thoughts consumed my mind for weeks, and I just put on the show of the perfect girlfriend. I was constantly being who I thought I should be instead of who I truly am. That was a really tough act to keep up, but I honestly didn’t know what else to do.
I always felt like I had this one last string that was tying me to my traumatic experiences of the past. I had done the work, gone to therapy, journaled and worked through my feelings, but I never knew there was one last cord hiding somewhere that I couldn’t see.
This string was the final connection between what could be the happiest times of my life and the memories and feelings of the most crushing times I’d ever experienced. I knew what I had to do, but I was afraid to cut the cord.
Don’t ask me why because I honestly don’t know.
I knew the amazing and wonderful things that were sitting in front of me just waiting for me to let go of the past, but deciding to take that leap of faith again is one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make in a long time.
I knew that cutting that cord meant jumping in with both feet, no holds bar, no looking back. I knew that it meant giving 100% of myself and letting down all those walls I’d worked so hard to build.
It meant giving love another chance.
So for the next few weeks I pondered the idea and fought a battle inside my head. I listed the pros and cons, I tried to reason with myself, I explained the benefits of this new opportunity again and again.
And finally, after weeks and weeks of anxious thoughts and sleepless nights, I decided to cut the cord. I decided that no way, no how were my fears and past experiences going to deter me from what I feel like is the best thing to ever happen to me.
He is worth every risk. He’s worth opening my heart up at the chance of it being torn apart. He’s worth putting myself out there for rejection. He’s worth every possible thing that could go wrong because he’s everything I’ve ever wanted and more.
I’m not willing to let my fear and anxiety keep me from someone so wonderful.
So as terrified as I am to start this new journey with an open heart and an open mind, I’m also so ridiculously excited to see where it goes. Not only is this a new chapter as a significant other, but it’s also a new chapter for me personally.
In life, we can either continue to be afraid of the things that broke us, or we can rise from the flames like a phoenix from the ashes. We can take those lessons we’ve learned from past relationships and use them to improve ourselves and our future romances.
If we never open our hearts back up to love, we will forever be alone. If we’re constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, we’re going to push others away. If we can’t eventually let down our guards, we’ll never know what might have been.
As crazy as it seems, the moment we finally release all the fear, resentment and hesitation that’s been holding us back is the moment the enormously heavy weight is lifted from our hearts.
And let me tell you, it’s a remarkably wonderful feeling.
My amazingly wise Mother told me, “don’t make someone in your present pay for the mistakes of someone in your past.” That really hit me. This new person deserves our everything. They deserve to receive every part of us, the good, bad and the ugly.
Every person’s journey is different. For some is only takes a few months to feel ready and willing to open up to another, and for others (like me) it takes years. No matter what your journey looks like the main thing is this … always be willing to give love another chance.
Be willing to cut the cord that is tying you to your past and holding you back from what could be the best parts of your life. We have one life to live and not much time to live it. Don’t let someone who didn’t know how to love you keep you from the one who was meant to love you all along.
Myka Shantell 💋