[Miss]Trust.

“Trusting you is my decision. Proving me right is your choice.” – Anonymous

Throughout life we undergo a series of psychosocial developments that occur from birth to death. We’re all taught about Erik Erikson’s developmental theory which describes each phase during a person’s life and how these stages shape who we ultimately become.

It’s said that the first stage of the theory, Trust vs. Mistrust, is the single most important phase a person will go through. This single length of time (birth to 18 months) molds our entire future.

When thinking about  this I discovered that while I had an amazing upbringing, I’ve begun to have issues with this certain psychosocial element. It just so happens that my problems occurred later in life and for good reason.

Over the past few years, I’ve slowly stopped trusting others. The guard around my heart has become tougher than I ever imagined, and that makes me extremely sad. Growing up I always had such an open, honest soul. I would give and give and give until I couldn’t give anymore. If people would hurt me I’d brush it off and get back on my feet. This has significantly changed in my adult years.

Honestly I trust maybe a handful of people, and I think some would be surprised by who’s on that list. I’ve never had a problem making friends or being in relationships mainly due to my outgoing, bubbly, loud personality. Yet for some reason I can’t find the kind that stick. I so badly want to fill my life with others who I feel I can trust, the ones that will be there no matter what.

It’s so frustrating to know that no matter how much love, time and sincere effort you put into relationships (romantic and friendships) they almost always turn out the same. Over the past few years my trust issues have gone through the roof. It sounds so depressing, but I would rather be alone than have to go through another failed relationship or friendship. I seriously can’t take it anymore.

I know that people say “no one is perfect” and “you just have to keep putting yourself out there,” but I’m tired of being the one to put myself out there. I feel like I’ve been let down for far too long, and I refuse to do it any longer. I’m far from perfect, but no one can ever say I didn’t try.

I sincerely feel bad for the next romance that comes into my life. I’ve changed so much over the last two years, and when it comes to trust and commitment I don’t even know where I stand anymore.

A common misconception is that commitment issues are specifically appointed to those who can’t be with one person. What people don’t understand is that they also apply to those who aren’t sure if they can finally let their guard down. Unfortunately, I now fall into that category.

All of these issues I now possess seem to have flourished at the lowest point in my life. I’ve never really talked about it in detail, but I feel like it’s necessary to understand how much letting someone down can truly affect them. Some may say that using “lowest day of my life” is dramatic, but they weren’t there and this isn’t their story.

I remember I’d just gotten dumped by the person I thought I was going to marry, and it was out of the blue. I remember feeling so incredibly shocked and numb that I couldn’t move.

For a few hours I laid on my floor unable to speak, unable to comprehend what had just happened. It got to the point where my mother had to come to my house, literally peel me off the floor and make me eat. I felt so paralyzed. It went on for about a week, and by the grace of God I somehow found the strength to pick myself back up.

Two years later I’ve finally moved past the pain from that time in my life, but trust me the scars are still there. I feel sorry for the next person to come along because someone from my past has forever affected my future. My heart now has a very tough wall surrounding it, and the journey won’t be easy. Nonetheless, I promise the reward will be worth it.

I feel like I’m a pretty good person. I’m truly caring and compassionate. I have a great career, and dabble in many different things. I’m independent, trustworthy and loyal to a fault. Now this doesn’t mean I’m perfect. I have plenty of flaws, and I won’t always get it right. Yet I will say that I’m not afraid to work on myself which is why I did therapy for two years.

Although my lowest of lows is tied to a romantic relationship, I’ve had plenty of friendships that have done some major damage as well. I’ve had plenty of friends that only want to be there for the good, that used me for my compassionate heart and those who weren’t there when I needed them the most. It all hurts, just in different ways.

My point in writing this is to remind people that their actions really do affect others. What may seem like a small let down to you could be something major to someone else. Always be honest with your friends and significant others, don’t blindside them or minimize their feelings.

Trust is a very powerful thing that is extremely easy to lose and very difficult to get back. If your friend or loved one needs you be there, don’t flake out and make up excuses. “Respect is earned. Honesty is appreciated. Trust is gained. Loyalty is returned.”

 

XOXO,
Myka Shantell💋

 

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s