“I know you’re sad, so I won’t tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day. Stay alive. Feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes and don’t give up on yourself just yet. It’ll get better. Until then, have a day.” – Anonymous
So it’s been a while since I’ve written an entry, and to tell you the truth it’s because I have been going through what I like to call one of my “lost” stages. It seems like throughout my whole transition I’ve been riding a roller coaster of emotions and phases that range from fierce badass warrior to sad lost soul.
Just a few weeks ago I was ready to take on the world with a bold fierce attitude and a belief that nothing could tear me down…and then the darkness came back. It’s a bit of a let down that my intense brave warrior phases have only been temporary thus far, but I’ve started noticing that they are occurring more often. I’m starting to have more episodes of feeling powerful than I ever have before. Still, that doesn’t mean the darkness doesn’t like to creep in from time to time.
What has been really difficult for me to figure out is what brings on these sad gloomy episodes. I’m still working on pinpointing the triggers, but I also realize they’re just a part of life. No one lives 100% of their days on this Earth in total bliss and happiness (although that would be really nice). I’m coming to terms with the fact that these “down times” are going to happen, but instead of sulking and giving into the sadness I’m learning new ways of coping with them.
I don’t want to sound cliche, but I swear it seems like everyone I know is starting new relationships, getting engaged, and/or starting families. I absolutely love all of my friends, and seeing them in such a state of bliss sends me over the moon with happiness. However, the human side of me somewhat feels envious of all their happiness simply because I have not yet found it myself.
I’m honestly kind of sad because I feel like I’ve temporarily lost faith in true love. I know it’s out there for me, but after being hurt so many times my heart has definitely built up a wall. It’s a whole new experience for me. I’ve always been one to openly and freely give my love, it’s just the way my heart works. After my past few experiences, I can tell a huge difference in the way I view relationships. My heart is guarded 100%, and it’s a shell that won’t be easily broken.
One way I’ve started coping with my feelings during my “sad phase” is by reminding myself that all great things are worth waiting for, and I have NO DOUBT that a special someone and an amazing life await me. I just consistently have to remind myself to be patient…one day, one step, one breath at a time.
It’s amazing to me how much social media can truly impact our lives nowadays. I find that the days that I stay away from Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat are days filled with way more joy and much less worry. It keeps me away from those constant reminders of what I don’t yet have and focused on all my many blessings.
I find it very flattering that I often get asked how I “have my life together at such a young age.” I have a Bachelor’s Degree, an amazing job, my own house, money saved in the bank, a 401K, insurance, a band, my blog, and close family/friends. Trust me, all of these things DO NOT mean I have my life totally “together.” Does it mean I’ve worked really hard to become successful? Yes. However, it doesn’t make me any better than the next 25 year old. I still have plenty of faults that I’m working on…one day, one step, one breath at a time.
Recently, I’ve begun working through my issues by creating a vision board. A vision board is a physical board one makes with goals, dreams and aspirations for the year. Once the board is complete with pictures and words that sum up what you hope to accomplish in 2016, you place the board somewhere that you will see it daily. By looking at my vision board every day, my negative self-doubting feelings are removed and replaced with positivity and hopes for a wonderful year.
In addition to my vision board, I’ve also began reading inspirational books and using mantras to work through my sadness. My therapist had suggested a book titled “Be Free Where You Are” by a Buddhist named Thich Nhat Hanh. This book teaches different practices that help us stay in the present. These practices release us from being stuck in the past and the future, and they allow us to be completely happy in the now. For someone with anxiety who is constantly worrying about the future (like myself) this book was a lifesaver.
One of the most powerful things I received from reading “Be Free Where You Are” was a breathing exercise that Thich goes on to fully explain in the book (listed below). Now I realize this may not seem like something you’re comfortable with, but humor me and give it a try sometime. You will be amazing at how relaxed you become and how truly connected you feel to the present.
“Breathing in, I know I’m breathing in.
Breathing out, I know I’m breathing out.
Breathing in, I notice that my in-breath has become deeper
Breathing out, I notice that my out-breath has become slower.
Breathing in, I calm myself.
Breathing out, I feel at ease.
Breathing in, I smile.
Breathing out, I release.
Breathing in, I dwell in the present moment.
Breathing out, I feel it is a wonderful moment.”
So while I’m still trying to find my way back to the light of my fierce feminine self, I will continue to practice patience and other methods to re-center my soul. I really want to encourage you to fight through any darkness, pain, and uncertainty you’re currently facing. Maybe you are having feelings of envy (like myself), or maybe you just simply feel lost. Either way please DO NOT give up hope. The clouds will fade and your spirit will become more powerful than you’ve ever imagined. God gives His hardest challenges to His toughest warriors. Just remember to hang in there…one day, one step, one breath at a time.