“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.” – John Lennon
For 24 years I have waited for someone to save me, some knight in shining armor to come sweep me off of my feet and ride into the sunset (cliché I know). I think we all have dreams of finding a love that is that perfect.
We all hope to find that one single person in this huge lonely world who completely “gets us.” I too long to find my forever soulmate, to find that one person that can fill the empty void I have in my life.
For the longest time I thought a relationship was exactly what I needed to find true happiness. I feel like I pretty much have my life together…a great career, my own band, my own apartment, a dog, a clean record, a savings account with money in it, and a fun bubbly personality…pretty much everything that completes my version of a “successful” 24 year old.
The crazy thing is even with having my life “all together” I am still not truly happy. I still haven’t figured out the one piece of the puzzle that is missing. I honestly always thought it was a man. I believed the day I found my forever partner would be the day everything came together.
I thought that would be the day that all the struggles, heartaches and tears would make sense. However, as I have continued my journey to self discovery I’ve come to realize there are things much deeper within myself that I need to figure out…that is my true key to happiness.
We cannot put our joy in the hands of others because in the end we are all we have. So I started thinking, what is it that I feel I need saving from? Why after all these years have I not learned to trust and lean on myself instead of others? Then I finally broke down and realized I have a huge fear that I have never confronted…the fear of being alone.
I feel like a lot of people can relate to this issue, but this fear is one of the biggest obstacles keeping me from finding happiness. I am so damn afraid to end up alone. The ironic thing is that I have complete faith in God, faith that He gave me this huge compassionate heart so I can love others (which is why I became a nurse).
I trust that He won’t give me a life without a partner, my time has just not yet come. You see, patience is definitely not my strong suit. As a person with anxiety I freak out when things don’t go according to plan or when things don’t happen how/when I want them to.
So yes I am like any other 24 year old girl whose friends are all getting married and having babies, and yes it bothers me to see people get what I so badly want. I know as Christians we are not suppose to envy others but seriously we are all human so lets stop with the denial.
When someone gets something we desire…a job, a house, a proposal, a baby, a new car, whatever…we feel a certain type of way but THAT IS OKAY. It’s okay to have dreams and hopes and desires, that’s what keeps us going. A few crummy relationships aren’t going to harden my heart and cause me to never love again, they just taught me to be more careful next time.
Do I hope to some day find the husband of my dreams and live in a beautiful house with a few amazing children (and a dog)? ABSOLUTELY. Am I somewhat jealous when I see other people living out their dream? ABSOLUTELY. However, I’m also HAPPY that those people have found what they were looking for.
I’m not bitter, I actually rejoice in knowing that there is still love, compassion and happiness left in the world. That’s what keeps me going despite the hate and violence.
I have been told I carry the traits of an “empath” which is a person that literally feels and takes on the emotions of others. My emotions are always heightened. When I am sad, I am extremely sad. When I feel hurt, it’s almost debilitating. When I love, I love deep.
My extreme emotions don’t really help me during this whole “discovering who I am” phase of my life, but they are just something I have to live with. It’s frustrating trying to figure out your purpose in life, trying to figure out what your next move should be.
It’s hard to watch others fulfill their destiny while you sit and wait for yours to come to light. However, I urge you to be patient and wait for God (or whoever/whatever you believe in) to show you the way. The biggest mistake people make is feeling like they have no purpose.
Every single one of us were put on this Earth to do something important, to touch the lives of others, to make a difference. No matter what life throws at you please never give up. Just know that you are important to others, even if you don’t feel like it.
There’s a saying that someone out there is wondering what it would be like to know someone like you. Just hold on and have faith because the struggles make us stronger, and it always works out in the end.